Chance
by evieeden
Summary: Bella has to decide whether to confront her fears before she loses the person she loves most. Advent story written for 20th December.


**Happy 20****th**** December everyone. I hope you're all keeping well and that you enjoy today's advent story offering.**

**Today big thanks go to the amazing meranaamjoker who was kind enough to read and beta this in double quick time for me so I could get it out to you, so lots of love going her way today. And as always, I don't own Twilight.**

**Chance**

"What are you so afraid of, Bella?"

Jake kissed her on the forehead and then left with an encouraging smile.

Bella watched him until he disappeared out of sight and then turned back towards the sea. She had come down to First Beach trying to find some peace, some clarity of mind. This was usually the place where she did her best thinking, but today the fresh air and the soothing sound of the waves washing up onto the shore weren't emptying her mind like they usually did.

What was she afraid of?

Well, up until their talk today, she had been afraid of losing Jake. He was her best friend and she was afraid that if he found about her feelings for his pack brother then he would abandon her, and she didn't think she could bear that again.

It had been bad enough the first time.

That was what it all came back to really – that awful period when Jake had phased for the first time and been banned from seeing her for her own protection. At first she had just been concerned about him being so ill, but later another creeping dread had overwhelmed her senses.

What if he had really decided that she wasn't worth it, like Edward had? What if she was just another 'distraction' until he found something better... or someone better?

At first, it seemed that all her fears had come true. When she visited him to find out what was going on, she had found a very different boy from the one she had known. He was bigger, harder, with none of the easy smiles or good-natured hugs that had previously marked their friendship.

And he was one of Sam's gang now.

Bella had been left completely bewildered. Just where was her Jake, the boy who had promised to always be there for her, to always be her friend?

He had told her to get out of there and not come back. He had said that they were no longer friends, that he was no longer a good person.

She didn't believe that, not for a second, but she had done as he asked and retreated temporarily to think about her next move. In the end she hadn't had to think about it for long; Jake had come to her room that night with cryptic comments and appeals for her to figure out what was wrong herself since he couldn't tell her.

Her dreams and scattered memories of the legends that he had told her all that time ago on the beach filled in the rest of the blanks.

Jake was a wolf. The only reason he had told her to stay away was to protect her from yet another supernatural intrusion in her life.

She could hear in his voice though, when he prompted her about the legends, that he was half-hoping she'd figure it out and half-hoping that she would run as far away as she could.

She wouldn't do that... couldn't do that.

She had already been a little battered and bruised by her experience with the Cullens; to lose Jake as well would have left her in a gibbering heap on the floor.

So she had marched down to La Push, full of righteous indignation and determined to get Jacob to talk to her without Sam or any of his cronies hovering around. She hadn't been lucky enough to avoid them, so she had decided to confront them head on.

Yelling in Sam's face, shoving him away, she had told him to leave Jake alone. He had born it all with a stoic frown. One of his little gang, though, _had_ taken exception. Pushing his way in front of her with a growl, Paul had opened his mouth to shut her down, only to stop, mouth open and eyes wide.

Bella hadn't liked the look on his face at the time, so she had stumbled back, retreating back to the house, just as Jacob emerged, coming to her rescue just a little too late.

She had sat on the porch of the Blacks' house while the wolves had huddled together twenty yards away, whispering furiously to each other and shooting her the occasional glare or amused grin.

Later on she had found out from Jacob what exactly had happened that day: Paul had imprinted on her. She was his chosen mate, and the tentative steps towards...something...with Jake were all coming to nothing.

In some ways it was easier. Jake had promised to still be her friend, and she could relax knowing that the pressure to become something more had disappeared.

But at the same time, she had seen the look on his face when he had explained everything to her. He was resigned to the fact that she was now the supposed soul mate of one of his fellow wolves, but there was a flash of hurt in his eyes when he had told her that he just wanted her to be happy that she couldn't get out of her head.

So Jacob had taken a step back, and Paul had taken a step forward.

It was all too confusing.

Bella had responded by keeping Paul at arm's length, something that was difficult to do when he was determined to charm her.

Against her better judgment, she had allowed herself to be slowly drawn into pack life. She attended bonfires and cook outs, she got to know all of the wolves and she had been gradually drawn away from Jacob and towards Paul. It was like she could see it happening but couldn't stop herself.

Even when Jacob had commented idly that it was to be expected now, she hadn't liked the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach that had said she was ignoring her best friend in favor of her new... whatever.

A part of her was afraid that if she got closer to Paul, she would become too caught up in him - like she had been with Edward and his family - and ignore the people that really mattered to her.

Her guilt hadn't gone away over time, despite Jake's assurances that he was over her and content just to be her friend, like he always had been.

There was a part of her that thought that there would still come a time when he would grow tired of her and she would lose him forever.

At the same time, her feelings for Paul were growing in strength. Sure he could be sarcastic and inappropriate at times, but he could also be kind and caring. He just hid his soft side behind his tough exterior, to protect himself. She could understand that.

But it was all such a mess.

Drowning her sorrows one evening with Leah, Bella had found herself stumbling towards Paul's house later that night where she had promptly confessed how she felt about him, that she thought she might like him – or more than like him – and had then fallen into bed with him.

It wasn't her finest move.

She couldn't blame it all on the drink either. She hadn't had too much, more like just enough to loosen her tongue, and everything she said was all that she had been thinking about when she was sober too.

The guilt had returned in full force when she woke up.

Guilt that she had moved on so easily, guilt that she was letting herself get wrapped up in a man again and guilt that it all felt like the easiest thing in the world to give in and be happy with Paul.

She had withdrawn, creeping back home and avoiding all contact with the pack.

It was difficult.

Paul had left her message after message, promising to do whatever it took to gain her trust again if only she would let him talk to her. He had vowed not to pressure her into a relationship, that he didn't expect anything from her, even after they had had sex together. He had promised that he would stay away as long as the pack could see her and check that she was safe.

He had poured his heart out over the answering machine and Bella had listened to his honeyed voice, sobbing with every heartfelt plea that he spoke.

He didn't understand.

It wasn't about him; he hadn't done anything wrong at all.

It was her. There was something wrong with her, something that made it impossible for her to open herself up to him. She wanted to love him – she knew that if she just gave him a chance that it could be wonderful – but something held her back.

Finally venturing out of the house, she had come here to the beach to try and clear her head and find some answers, and had been promptly cornered by Jake.

He had given her a lot to think about and his last question rang through her head.

_What was she afraid of?_

She knew that answer but it seemed so petty and self-centred that she was almost scared to acknowledge it.

Alone.

She was afraid of being alone.

She was terrified of letting people close for fear that one day they would decide that she wasn't worth the effort and walk away, leaving her by herself.

Her father had let her go when she was just a baby and her mother had let Bella go when she had met and married Phil. Both of them, it seemed, had been happy to let her walk out of their immediate lives with barely a whisper of protest. It wasn't intentional, Bella knew that, but feeling like she was an inconvenience to their lives was something that had clearly stayed with her.

And then there were those who had deliberately left her behind – Edward, Alice, even Jacob to some extent.

It had hurt deeply at the time, and she could admit to herself that even now it still hurt.

That was what was driving her to push Paul away, to keep all of the pack away from her.

Because if she allowed herself to love them, allowed herself to love Paul, then she would be all the more broken when they eventually left her.

She wasn't stupid, she was more than aware that her fear was completely irrational. She understood that by pushing people away, she was only leaving herself in a position where she'd end up alone anyway, but that sick feeling whispered that at least that would hurt less when they walked away than if she invested herself emotionally.

The wind swirled around her, tossing her hair into a tangled mess, the air grew cooler, and yet despite the fact that she should be shivering, she felt calm, at peace.

There was only one reason why her nerves had settled so suddenly. She turned to face up the beach and there he was, watching her with a frown on his face.

She took a reflexive step towards him, like she couldn't help getting closer.

It was surprisingly simple, to put one foot in front of the other and walk over until she was stood in front of him.

He shoved his hands in his shorts pockets and hunched his shoulders over.

He looked tired, she thought. Dark shadows rested underneath his eyes.

"Hey," she greeted him.

He nodded in reply. "You came back."

She should have known that he'd find her the minute she set foot back on the reservation.

"I did," she answered. "I shouldn't have left in the first place."

"No, you shouldn't have," he agreed, his tone hard.

Bella bit her lip and looked away, unable to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Paul shook his head and let it rip.

"I guess I just don't get it. I mean, you come to my house telling me that you want a relationship and that you want me and that you could l-." He cut himself off and visibly gathered his composure. "And then you sneak out the next morning and refuse to talk to me!" He let out a snarl of frustration. "What kind of fucked-up shit is that?!"

She ducked her head, tears welling in her eyes.

"I don't know. I didn't mean..."

"What?" he snapped. "Didn't mean what?!"

She stared at the ground as if all the grains of sand beneath her feet would hold the answer.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," she muttered, concentrating on her feet.

"Well you did," he stated bluntly.

An awkward silence fell between them.

Bella didn't know how to break it. She didn't know what she could say that would make things better. She didn't know how to tell him that it was her fear of his leaving that had made her push him away.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. It was all she could think to say and it sounded painfully inadequate.

Paul huffed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I just... I don't know what to do here, Bella. Nothing I do is right."

She hated the air of defeat in his voice.

"That's not true. It's not." She had to make him understand. She didn't want him blaming himself. "It's not... you didn't do anything wrong."

"Then what's the problem exactly?" He threw his hands up in frustration.

She opened her mouth and then closed it abruptly. She didn't know how to say it.

A hot tear ran down her cheek and landed on the sand between them.

"I'm scared," she finally confessed.

His impatience disappeared in an instance, sympathy colouring his expressing.

"Oh Bella."

Reaching out, he grabbed her shoulder and dragged her to him, wrapping her tightly in his arms. She buried her face into his warm chest and clung tightly to him.

"What are you so scared about?" he murmured into her hair. He kissed her temple and rubbed her back while he waited for an answer.

It all seemed so silly though, now that she was here in his arms, but he deserved an explanation.

"Please don't leave me." She hadn't meant to sound so desperate. "Please just...don't leave."

Paul stilled, every muscle going stiff. "Is that was this is about? That you think I'm going to leave you?"

He pulled away and tipped her chin upwards, forcing her to meet his gaze.

She couldn't look away. He read the answer in her eyes.

"Fuck Bella! You're it for me. You're the one! Wild horses couldn't drag me away."

It was said with such certainty, such conviction, that she couldn't help but believe him. However, a tiny niggle remained that wouldn't be silenced.

"You promise?" she asked shakily.

"I swear." He cupped her cheeks and pressed his mouth against hers briefly. "I'm not going anywhere. But you have to promise the same. No more running off. If you get scared or anything, you need to tell me so I can help, okay? I just want you to be happy."

"Okay," she agreed quietly. "I promise. I'm sorry."

Wrapping his arms around her once more, he lifted her up in the air, making her squeal and wrap and her legs around his waist for security.

"Good." He smacked his lips together with satisfaction. "'Cause I'm about as shitty with this whole relationship stuff as you are, so I need you to keep me in line and tell me what you need, when you need it, and I'll do the same, yeah?"

"Okay," she murmured into his neck. He was so warm and smelled so good. She just wanted to stay like this forever.

He kissed her cheek and this time she turned her head and kissed him back, slowly and languorously, their tongues entwining lazily.

They pulled apart, him with a grin and her with a blush.

"Do you want to come back with me?" he asked. "No pressure or anything."

She nodded quickly. "I'd like that."

He rewarded her with a smile and starting walking back towards the road without putting her down. Bella buried her face in the crook of his neck again and breathed out a deep sigh of relief.

Not all her fears had been completely put to rest, but Paul wasn't going anywhere. He had promised, and she knew that he kept his word. So she would trust him and wouldn't run either, and then maybe this thing between them would work.

Hopefully it would work. She prayed that it would work.

Because she thought she was kind of in love with him.


End file.
